Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho, It's Off to the Office He Goes...Again

You know. I had an entire series of posts planned. I had them researched, the first one mostly written. I'm excited to post them; I've spent much longer working on them than I thought I would.

However, this isn't one of those planned and carefully researched posts. This, is another in a long line of "He's a good boy, really, I swear" posts.

As most, if not all of you, know by now, we moved to Colorado at the beginning of November. Moves are always hard on kids, especially children who don't do well with change to begin with like Kyle. I fully anticipated some behavioral issues. I was not, however, expecting my beloved son to become a total stranger.

I was at home this afternoon, sitting on my couch, reading a book while the King slept on my lap. There were just shy of two hours left in the school day for Kyle and Taryn, and I was enjoying my few minutes of peace.

Then my phone rang.

It was the school. Again. This seems to happen on average once a week these days. In Florida, it was the nurse calling to let me know Kyle had had a nosebleed or wouldn't eat his lunch. Here in Colorado, it is, almost always, the principal's office.

Up until two months ago, it was a coin toss as to which of my children would be in the office waiting for me. However, Taryn's behavior was easily corrected with a reward system and a long talk. So now, it's always Kyle.

Last week, Kyle caused quite the stir at school when he ran out of his classroom into another second grade room. It took all three second grade teachers to corral him at that time for his principal to come get him, take him to the office, attempt to calm him down, and call me to come get him.

Today, Kyle ran out of gym class. When his principal was called to get him, he had to carry Kyle to his office, because Kyle refused to get up. When I got there, Kyle was in shut down mode.

My son is a bright, bubbly, talkative kid. You can't always understand him and he doesn't always make sense, but he'll talk your ear off given half the chance. To see him so still and so quiet is disconcerting to say the least.

And then the principal started talking, and although he was polite and trying to be fair and kind (to his credit), I could see it in his face. My son is the difficult kid. My son is the "Oh God, here we go again" kid. The school cares, I can say that for sure. They care about my boys, and want to see them succeed. But, like most people, they can only take so much before a final opinion is formed, and I fear Kyle has finally reached that point with his school. He is creating a reputation for himself as THAT kid, and if he isn't careful, if I can't help him to stop soon, it will follow him for a long time to come.

So, kind principal (with absolutely no sarcasm at all), should you ever read this, I imagine it won't be hard for you to know whose mother this is and which Kyle in your school this is regarding. Therefore, I ask you to please...keep in mind:

His favorite color is pink. He likes purple too, but pink is the best. He loves Pokemon, Legos, Batman, and Star Wars, but he'll also curl up with me and watch Disney Princess movies on a loop and love every second of it. This is the first year reading comes easily for him, and he has discovered a shared love with his mother of Goosebumps and historical fiction. He can't eat a lot of foods, but loves almost everything he can eat. He's terrified of the dark, and thinks his cat has super powers. (I'm inclined to agree on that note.)

He is the oldest of my children and often decides that means he needs to take on a caretaker role, no matter how often I tell him not to. If I have a headache, he will bring me water and a book, and tuck me in. When his brother had appendicitis and was in and out of the hospital last May, he made up games and songs to entertain him. When his baby brother was born in 2015, he spent hours coming up with stories for him, and asking if the baby was big enough to share his cookies yet. He wants to donate his hair in memory of a little girl he met while in the hospital who lost her cancer fight. He's donated his puny savings from his piggy bank to homeless people, and has been known to ask me to buy bottled water to keep in the car so he can hand it out to those people in need of help. When I order pizza to the house, he insists on doing the Pizza Party Dance for the delivery man and hugging him for his pizza.

I know, believe me, I know, that he is difficult. I know that he is stubborn, that he wants things his way or the highway. I know he is smart but won't do his work unless there's something tangible in it for him. I know that he can come across as rude, incorrigible, and lazy.

To you, he is THAT kid.

To me, he is my baby with a heart of gold who has been through Hell. I just hope someday, you can see that gold heart that I see.

Because he's a good boy, really.

Mother May I Talk?

We don't talk about The King much. We mention him in passing, and he had one post completely about him, when an older lady called my sweet boy names. But mostly, The King has stayed to the background, his brothers and their troubles taking the forefront.

Today, I find myself wanting to talk about him, so let's.

Look at him. Isn't he the sweetest?

The King turned two in November. He's a bundle of energy, an explorer in a brand-new land. Every day is a new adventure, a new lesson in how the world works. He loves to point out all the new things he finds, and listen to the explanation of what they are. His world is expanding and he is loving every minute of it.

Now comes the point in the post where I'm a sobbing wreck on my couch as I type it. I shouldn't be, because we of all families know this isn't the end of the world. But it never ceases to hurt.

The King is 26 months old, nearly 27 months old. At this point, the months do still make a difference in development. At his age, The King should have 2-3 word sentences, with new words coming each month.

Let me preface this with, I'm his mom. I can understand what his points, his grunts, and his babbling means. Those don't count as words, even if I can tell you what they mean. His speech should be 50-70% intelligible to strangers.

It's not.

Strangers in the store, the doctor, the teachers at his brothers' school, his own family outside of this household...they can't understand most of what he says, with the exception of a few words.

The King can say Mama, Dada, Bruffer, Bubba, BearBear, cup, up, no, more, ow, and maybe ten other words that can be understood.

This ends the list of words The King can say with clarity and understanding.

There's a difference between receptive and expressive language.

There is nothing wrong with his receptive language. This is the part of language that he hears and understands. He knows when he's told no, put that back, etc. He can understand commands and reprimands. He can follow those commands given, and reacts appropriately to reprimands. He is struggling with a few things, but he's still little enough and catching onto other things fast enough that I'm not currently too concerned with his inability to point to his tummy, for example, when asked where it is.

The King has an expressive language delay. Expressive language is exactly what it sounds like: it's the words he can say, his ability to use them correctly, his ability to communicate his wants and needs.

He is very good at pointing. He rocks at bringing you things to show you and has the most adorable inquisitive face in the world. (Shameless Mom brag.)

But he can't tell you what he wants for lunch. He can't tell you he wants a certain book, or toy, or snuggles. He can't even tell you with words that he wants a hug.

His unspoken communication, as noted, is fantastic. He's found ways around what he can't say yet. And he will get there, with time and help. Most children with expressive language delays do. Kyle did, even though he does still struggle (although that is related to his other issues).

I know that.

But that doesn't mean I don't see and hear all these kids his age talking away, and feel my heart break because he can't yet.

He'll get there.

And when that day comes, I'll cry happy tears. 

Now, On: When Anxiety Attacks

Did you know anxiety is the most common mental illness in the US? More than 40 million Americans over age 18 have some kind of anxiety disorder, including GAD, PTSD, OCD, and panic disorder, to name a few. Next time you're in a movie theater, look to your right, your left,  in front of you, and behind you. Chances are, at least one of the people surrounding you suffers from anxiety.

Maybe it's you.

Children also suffer from anxiety. Nearly 32% of American children have an anxiety disorder, according to a survey from the National Institute of Mental Health.

(Side note: The acronym for the National Institute of Mental Health is NIMH Please tell me I'm not the only one who had to do a double take and wonder how Mrs. Brisby was doing!)

Anyone? Just me? ...Drats.          Source

My point here, of course, is that it's very likely you or someone you know suffers from anxiety of some type.

Kyle and Taryn each have a form of anxiety. I have PTSD, which, yes, is listed as an anxiety disorder.

We are also very open in this house and respectful of each other's needs. Or, well...as respectful as young siblings ever get.

That being said, we now turn to the reason for this post: When Anxiety Attacks.

I don't know who made this, but my soul feels it. 

Because of the prevalence of anxiety in our society and in our household, I have taught my children to recognize the signs of an anxiety attack.

A handy reference photo for you, in case it's needed. Source

Quite often, Kyle is able to feel one coming on and can excuse himself or request whatever he needs to feel better. Taryn is getting there, but not quite. And I, a veteran of anxiety attacks, am usually pretty okay. But, I'm not perfect. And sometimes...well, sometimes I have them too. 

Tonight was one of those times. No particular reason - sometimes, anxiety attacks just happen. I've found the longer I go without one, the more likely I am to have one out of nowhere.

I was sitting on my couch, researching the post I had PLANNED to write tonight - looking up photos, statistics, sources, etc - when, out of nowhere, I started to shake. I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing. And, to be honest, I felt like I was in the middle of a menopause cycle. (I'm 27...not quite there yet!)

Kyle was sitting on the floor in front of me. He turned around to ask me something, and immediately seemed to understand that Mommy was in need of help. 

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Why is a 7  year old child helping his mom through a panic attack?" 

No one asked him to. I certainly didn't expect him to. Although I have taught them how to recognize the symptoms and what to do, I did that so they could help themselves - i.e, recognize their own anxiety and get help if it was needed. However, that is the kind of kids I have. When I'm sick, they offer to get water for me, bring me the cough syrup, etc. Pretty sure, if they knew how, they'd drive to the store and buy soup for me too. 

So when Kyle realized I was having an anxiety attack, he decided he knew how to help. Calmly, he got up and got my cell phone from where it was charging on the bookcase. He brought it to me, because he can't unlock it (fingerprint scan, ya know), and told me, "Breathe, Mom. Do the breathing one." 

What does that mean? 

Shameless unpaid app promotion, that's what.

In all seriousness, we discovered an app a few weeks ago called CalmHarm that is intended to help with the urge to self-harm. While we do not feel that urge in this house, I downloaded it anyways to check it out for my mother (a high school teacher working with at-risk teens). On it, they have several options to help you through your urge (or, in our case, anxiety attack), including an option that simply brings a cool-colored circle up on your screen with a 60 second timer, and walks you through deep breathing for 60 seconds. (Longer if you need it - just press it again!)

It's one of the best things we've found in this house for an anxiety attack, too. It brings our concentration to the phone screen, drawing it away from our own thoughts and allowing us to slowly come back out of our brains as our heart slows down and our breathing evens out, allowing our bodies to relax and slip out of flight-or-fight mode. 

When the anxiety had passed, Kyle was once again standing in front of me, this time with a bottle of water and a hug.

Anxiety is a pain. Literally and metaphorically. But it isn't something you should be ashamed of, and it's definitely not something you should keep a secret from your kids, particularly if they themselves have it. Chances are, if you have it, they do too. It seems to run like that. Talk to your kids about anxiety. Teach them to handle their own, and they might pick up on how to help someone else through it, too. 

Do you or your children have anxiety? How do you handle it? Let us know in the comments, and share away :) We'll see you next time, with hopefully less drama!

Or...you know...maybe a bottle or twelve of wine...who knows? 

The Work at Home, Special Needs Mom's Survival Guide to School Days

Me, about thirty minutes into "Why aren't you dressed yet!?"

First of all, my kids are morning people.

I know. I'm sorry for me, too.

Every morning, no matter what time they finally fell asleep, my kids are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by 7 a.m. 

Taryn is usually up by 5:30 and ready to go for the day. 

I am not a functional human being until at least 8:30. 

Normally, that combination alone would be enough to drive a mom mad. But then you add in one child with severe ADHD/ODD and a splash of ASD, a two year old with tyrannical tendencies, and don't forget the unpredictable temperament of the five year old, and you get chaos. Pure chaos. 

Your average morning in the LWK household goes like this:

• 5:30 a.m: Taryn wakes up, and comes up the stairs from his room to the living room, turning on the TV. 
• 6:00 a.m: The King wakes up and screams his head off until either a) he's managed to get out of his room and down the stairs or b) someone comes to get him, because his doorknob sticks from time to time. 
• 6:30 a.m: Despite multiple "Please quiet down, it's still dark outside, guys, c'mon!" from me, I now have all three children awake and already fighting. 
• 7:00 a.m: Mom has finally made a cup of coffee. Don't get too excited - I probably won't get to drink it yet. 
• 7:30 a.m: The children are given breakfast. (This may seem odd given how long they've been up, but just wait until you see what time they start school. It'll all make sense then.) I spend several minutes getting the hungry yet resistant King to sit in his chair and eat.
• 7:45 a.m: I remind the children they need to start getting dressed and ready for school while wrestling the King back into his chair after he's thrown all his food and climbed out. (His chair is a booster seat on the floor. He knows how to unbuckle himself, so safety first.)
• 7:50 a.m: I remind the children again that they need to finish eating while cleaning up the second attempt to feed the King his breakfast.
• 7:52 a.m: Taryn is done eating. He goes to get dressed. The King is finally eating.
• 7:57 a.m: Kyle is done and now he and Taryn are screaming at each other in the bathroom. I wrestle the King back into his chair, because he thought he had to check out his brothers fight.
• 8:00 a.m: I've finally gotten the King to sit still long enough to finish his breakfast. Taryn has come down the stairs crying because "Kyle won't let me brush my teeth!"
• 8:01 a.m: Kyle comes into the kitchen to defend himself. "I'm trying to brush my teeth!"
• 8:02 a.m: Kyle is now slamming his way down the stairs to his room to get dressed, screaming that I'm mean when I told him to let Taryn, who was in the bathroom getting dressed and ready before him, finish what he was doing before he starts.
• 8:05 a.m: Taryn is ready for school and now sitting on the couch watching Disney Jr. Kyle is throwing things in his room.
• 8:07 a.m: Kyle comes up in mismatched clothes that I'm pretty sure he dug out of the dirty laundry.
• 8:08 a.m: Kyle cries that he has no clean clothes.
• 8:09 a.m: I give Kyle the clean and folded clothing from his dresser that he refused to open.
• 8:10 a.m.: Kyle can't remember how to put on his shirt.
• 8:12 a.m: Kyle has his pants on backwards and cries that he can't remember how to fix them when I send him back to do so.
• 8:15 a.m: Kyle finally has his pants on right, but now claims he can't remember how to use his belt.
• 8:16 a.m: Kyle is now trying to put his socks on over his shoes.
• 8:20 a.m: Kyle has now put his shoes and socks on correctly. Taryn begins the same process. He puts his shoes on the wrong feet. Twice.
• 8:22 a.m: Kyle can't find his lunchbox. Mom finds it in his backpack.
• 8:23 a.m: Kyle just remembered he didn't finish the homework he told me he didn't have. Mom tells him too bad and emails his teacher. Now Kyle is screaming again.
• 8:29 a.m: Taryn can't find his jacket. Kyle puts his on over his backpack then cries because he can't zip it.
• 8:32 a.m: Jackets are on correctly. Children walk out the door for school.
• 8:34 a.m: Taryn comes back in because he forgot his backpack. 
• 8:36 a.m: Taryn proceeds out the door again.
• 8:47 a.m: I get an email from Kyle's teacher that he was late for class. We live in front of the school. It takes Kyle approximately five to seven minutes to get to class from our house. I have no idea why he's late. School started at 8:45.

Chaos. Utter and complete chaos.

Or it was. 

Until Mom decided she'd had enough of the antics. 

So how, exactly, do you even make a dent into fixing this insanity? 

Some of you will probably sit there and wonder how in the world it got this chaotic in the first place. Others will nod along, having their own version of chaotic school mornings. 

I have no idea why my children act this way in the morning. They've had the same routines and expectations since they started school when they were each 4 years old. At nearly eight and nearly six, I don't know why they persist in this insanity. 

I do know, though, that about three weeks ago, I implemented some changes. And wouldn't you know it, the chaos, though not gone, has alleviated somewhat. 

How did I do it? With a few organizational techniques, and lots of continued discussion:

1. I bought a plastic tower of drawers. Currently, we have one with three drawers. In the bottom drawer, the boys put their school shoes. In the middle drawer, Taryn lays out his clothes for the next day, which have been preapproved by me. Kyle does the same in the top drawer. This alleviates Kyle's penchant for trying to wear dirty or non-school clothes to school, and makes sure that I, a night owl and non-morning person, am still awake enough to approve their clothing so they don't pull one over on me. 
2. Every evening when they get home, they empty out their backpacks, placing their lunchboxes on the counter and any papers they have in the drawers their clothes will go in later. While I go through their papers, they do their homework at the coffee table (we don't have a kitchen table). 
3. On Sundays, I pack up gallon sized Ziploc bags full of snacks for school, complete with juice box or water bottle. (I go every other day with those.) This way, all I have to do at night (or in the morning - let's face it, I work from home, I get busy and procrastinate sometimes) is shove a sandwich or leftovers into their lunchboxes and they're set.
4. In the morning, the first one done eating gets dressed, brushes their hair and teeth, and puts their lunch and homework into their backpack. The second child follows once the first child is completely done. There is now a fifteen minute timer set. Each child has 15 minutes in the bathroom. Until that timer goes off, no other child should be in there. (Full disclosure: We do have two bathrooms. The children have rendered their bathroom downstairs not functional until Mom can get a plumber in here, so we're stuck sharing the upstairs bathroom.)
5. Given his apparent aversion to doing anything but following his brothers and watching TV, I have taken to placing a bowl of cereal on the coffee table for the King. Dry cereal, no milk, so it doesn't get all soggy or nasty. If he's hungry, he'll nab a bite or two. Once the older two boys are off to school, I'll wrestle with actually getting him fed and ready for the day.
6. At dinner time, I have set timers so the boys will hurry up and eat or at least know when they have taken too long and should be done or else they'll sit there all night. I've taken to setting alarms on my phone for breakfast. One goes off at 7:30 to announce it's breakfast time. Another goes off at 7:45 to let the kids know they have 5 minutes. At 7:50, they need to be done so they can get ready for school if they're not already. 
7. Once lunches and homework are in the backpacks, they are set next to the door so the boys see and grab them on the way out.

All of our issues aren't completely alleviated, but this has cut down on the chaos quite a bit. Kyle still throws his morning fits; Taryn is still up at the crack of dawn and unpredictable emotionally; Kyle still runs late for school occasionally due, in large part, to his meltdowns. 

No solution is 100% fool proof. Kids have bad days, too, but we're doing our best to find something that works for us. So far, so good. We'll find more things to add on or try, and find things that just don't work. We might find things that work better. Who knows. 

What do you do to cut down on the chaos on school mornings? Any tricks that work better for your kids, special needs or otherwise? Share your tricks with us, and let us know if you try any of ours and how they worked for you! 

The Factor Factory: The Kindle Edition!

An illustration from our book! 

More things I meant to put up here over the last few months and just haven't done! Time and life, you know. They get away from me a bit.

An accurate representation of my face right now haha

Kyle and I collaborated on an illustrated children's book explaining Von Willebrand's Disease! (Or at least, explaining it the best we can. Disclaimer: We are not medical professionals. We are a 7 year old and his mom. Please ask your doctor for more specific information if you or someone you love has or may have VWD.)

This book is meant to help elementary aged children understand what VWD is and why their classmate(s) who have it may have to be a bit more careful than they are.

The Factor Factory: A Von Willebrand's Story is available on Amazon at this time. Currently, it's only available for Kindle, but we are trying to get it ready for a hardcopy publishing. We will (try) to let you know when that happens, for those who want it but don't have Kindle!

Side note: We recognize that many of our readers are not US based. Please note the above link is for the US Amazon site. I do not know if this will make a difference for your country. We appreciate all our foreign readers and can't thank you enough for your interest in the adventures of complete strangers on the other side of the world. Please feel free to write comments, introduce yourselves, and let us know your thoughts on anything we publish here! We like making new friends. Also head over to our Facebook page and follow along for the videos, pictures, and short updates that we post with more frequency there!

On the Road Again, I Can't Wait To Be On the Road Again...

Kyle on one of the local hiking trails near our new home!

It seems every time I turn around, we move. I feel like I'm constantly tripping over boxes, re-establishing routines, and calming meltdowns from all corners. 

So how do we move from Minnesota to Florida, and then from Florida to Colorado without Mom losing what little remains of her sanity?

I have no idea. When you find out, please share your wisdom with me.

I'm kidding.

Sort of. 

Okay, not really, but we didn't do half bad. So although I'm posting this later than I actually wrote it (seriously, I saved the draft in November. Bad Mom!), here are my little nuggets of...let's call it wisdom...in how to make a cross country move with special needs children.

Get Them Involved in Planning

This is important for all kids, I think. We made a few moves when I was a kid, and my mother always involved us as much as she could. I believe that made it easier.

Now, of course, I don't mean talk to your kids about the mortgage process or the rental application, or anything like that. Adults have to move wherever is best for them; that's part of the frustration of moving as a kid! However, that doesn't mean that the kids should feel completely left out of the decisions and process. Ideas may vary based on your child's age and mentality, but what we did was

• Show the kids the house we would be moving into via pictures kindly sent to me by the lady I bought it from
• Have them pick out a "theme" for their new room, even if it just ends up being new bedding with their favorite character (which will likely apply if you are moving into a rental or aren't artistically inclined)
• If you're moving long-distance, have them help you map out your route, even if you'll be using GPS

The boys had a blast looking through pictures of our new house, picking out their rooms, and imagining what they would do with their space. Kyle, who loves maps and the idea of traveling, had a great time mapping out the route with me in the atlas he was given by a friend of my mom's. 

Talk About What to Expect

Kids, especially autistic kids, like to know what's going on and what they can expect to have happen when big changes occur. If you're just moving across town, talk to them about the neighborhood you'll be moving to. Tell them 

• If they should expect to be changing schools
• How far away they'll be from the houses of the friends they like to hang out with (if this applies - it didn't really for us, as my children are not at that stage)
• What kind of housing they can expect - are you moving from an apartment to a house? Will you be living in town or on the outskirts? Are you going country? 
• Create a social story based on your unique move for your child to read. If you're not sure how to do so, or just not really the creative type, or even if you just don't have the time to spare to do so (no judgement here - it happens!), check out the great social stories you can download and print out at your convenience. (Please know that I am not personally or professionally affiliated with any links on this page as of this writing, nor do I receive payment at this time for any advertised products. I just want to share what's worked for us! If a link is broken, no longer working, or to a wrong site, please let me know so I may fix it!)

If, like us, you're moving to an entirely different location, you may need to be a bit more in-depth with what you discuss:

• If moving to a new town altogether, take a drive through to the area you'll be living in, if it's in a reasonable distance from your current dwelling. Explore routes to school, exciting new places to try out like restaurants or even the local library, and, if unoccupied or current occupants are okay with it, allow your child to see where they will be living and explore it if possible.
• If moving to a new state or to a location that is not necessarily in "Let's take the day to explore this" distance, pull up Google Earth on the computer, or download the app. Type in the address of where you will be moving to and go on a virtual exploration of the area with your child. 
• Since your child will DEFINITELY be moving schools at this distance, pull up the website for the school your child will attend. Most sites these days have staff photos and a little bit of information about what your child will be learning in their grade, if not their new classroom. Call the school and see if you can schedule a time for your child to check out the school prior to their first day; if that's not possible, ask if you can bring them in a little earlier on their first day. 

Of course, there are many other things that you might want to do based on your child and situation.

Allow Your Kid(s) to Help Downsize

If your children are of an age to do so, and of the ability to do so (I recognize not all special needs children are able to help in such an excursion), involve them in any downsizing you may do before you move. Have them gather up clothes that they don't wear, toys they don't play with, and books they don't read. Let them help go through games and movies, too, if they are able. Remind them that they can't take everything to the new house, even if the house is the same size or larger than the one you currently live in. Moving is a perfect opportunity to do some "spring cleaning" with those items that just seem to clutter up no matter what you do. If your child needs to see what actually happens to the items they get rid of, try

• Holding a yard sale. If you do this, I recommend allowing your child to keep part or all of the money from the sale of their things. I haven't done this with my own kids, as we simply have never been in a place where this would have worked, but it was done when I was young, and holding onto the money from the sale helped me to understand that things I had gotten rid of would be replaced with new things I wanted. It also gave me a sense of responsibility and independence. 
• Take them to a local consignment shop. I did this with Taryn, and it went great. He boxed up all the Thomas the Train toys, books, and movies he no longer wanted (he had a LOT of Thomas things - about three boxes worth if I recall), and we took them to a children's consignment shop up the road from our old apartment. There, I let him speak to the owner of the store about what he had and helped him reach an agreement on payment for the items. I can no longer remember how much he got exactly, but I allowed him to hold onto $20 or so of it, and held onto the rest for a later time. He was ecstatic. 
• Head over to a local homeless or women's shelter. There are, sadly, many children in those areas, especially if you live in a major city. So long as the items are in decent shape, most shelters will accept them as donations. Maybe ask if your child can hand out a few items to children in the shelter (although this may not be granted, if only for the sake of not violating the privacy of the shelter's child occupants). 

If your child is able to help with this, seeing where their discarded, gently used items end up can help them let go of those items more easily. 

Packing Up Blues

As parents, particularly parents to children who require a little (or a lot!) more care than others, we expect to have to do all the packing and cleaning when moving from one house to the next. In my experience, though, children who are physically and mentally capable of doing so often transition to their move much more easily the more they are involved in all the steps of the process. This includes packing and cleaning! You know your own child's limits and abilities, so no judgements from me if this should be a no-go for you. If you'd like to try it out though, make it as easy on everyone as you can:

• Assign your child a certain room to pack up. If a room is too much for them to focus on all at once, break it down. I had my kids responsible for packing up their bedrooms. Since Kyle tends to freeze up when left with such broad instructions as "Pack up your room," I broke it down. They were instructed to pack up certain items first, then tell me when they were done and I would give them more boxes and instructions.
• Speaking of boxes, label the crap out of those things! It helps the kids remember what goes in which boxes, AND makes unpacking a breeze.
• When the packing is done, let the kids help carry the lighter ones to the UHaul or whatever moving service you're utilizing. It helps them to see their things really are coming with.

Road Trip Activities

If you're moving a good distance and will be cooped up in a vehicle for a while, it's a good idea to plan ahead of time for activities, rest stops, and the like. Many newer vehicles come stocked with a built-in DVD player, so make sure you have plenty of DVD's for those kiddos to watch! 

• Coloring books and crayons, markers, or colored pencils are a time-honored road trip activity. You can stock up on all kinds at your local dollar store.
• Make sure you have your atlas if you're moving long distance so your child can keep track of where they are!
• Don't have a built-in DVD player in your car? Many decent ones are fairly cheap these days brand new, or you can hit up your local pawn shops. There's a good chance one of them will have a selection of gently used ones to fit your budget.
• Find your rest stops on your route via atlas or GPS, and look to see if there are any fun activities you can take your kids to in the area. On our route out to Colorado, we found a few that we could stop and play at with no cost to us, which allowed the kids to stretch their legs and get out of the cramped car for a bit.

There are, of course, numerous options for road trip activities. These were great for my kids, but your kids may not have the same interest in the move as mine and might need different activities to keep their little minds occupied.

Welcome Home!

Hopefully you reach your destination with most of your sanity, only a few grey hairs, and all of your children. I know once you get there, all you want to do is relax. But there's a whole house to put together! And children underfoot. What to do, what to do?

• This probably sounds like a no-brainer, but just like your kids might be capable of packing up, they may be capable of unpacking, too. If your kids are like Kyle, though, you might need to set up their furniture and then walk them step-by-step through what they should unpack. ("Okay, we've got your dresser set up. Put your clothes away." "Your bookcase is put together - go ahead and put your books there." etc.)
• When they're done unpacking their room, or if they're not quite able to unpack completely on their own but could with some help, let them help unpack little things like bathroom accessories or your movie collection.
• Not quite capable of unpacking? No worries - they can still "help" by finding spots for things you're looking for, exploring the house, or even telling you what happens in the movie they're watching that you "don't want to miss but can't watch right now!" 

We here at Life With Kyle recognize that some readers may have children who are not physically or mentally capable of many of the things on this list. Because my experience is with higher functioning, semi-able bodied children, that is what I know and feel more comfortable writing about. If your child is not quite where mine are, I would feel horrible trying to speak for your experiences, but I'd love to hear them! Have you moved with a special needs child on any end of the spectrum? How did it go? What did you do to make the move easier? Is there anything you wish you had done looking back, or maybe wish you hadn't done? Share your experiences with us in the comments, and help your friends and family out by sharing this post with them. 

Expectations Versus Reality: Inner Reflections of a Special Needs Mom

We have a weekly meeting with a Parenting Expert, whom we shall call J. This meeting usually nets her more knowledge than it does me.

Today, however, she asked me a question and even I was surprised at the answer that popped out.

We were talking about Kyle and his antisocial tendencies. Kyle is the friendliest child with severe social deficits that are usually overlooked by the vast majority of people. J asked me how he does with friends. Kyle...has people he knows who are his own age, but his friends are mostly people my age or older. He doesn't invite friends over. He doesn't ask to go over to friends' houses, and he usually won't make any effort to play with others at the park or anything. J asked me how I feel about that. I was...surprised by my response, although it is a true one. It's simply not one I've given much conscious thought to.

I read a post, a while back, in a Facebook support group for parents of children like Kyle. In its essence, the post talked about how we have to learn to accept, as special needs parents, that our children may not be their happiest doing the things we recall doing. What makes them happy may not at all resemble what we had planned for their lives when they were born.

When Kyle was born, I thought his childhood would resemble mine. I had a best friend who practically lived at our house and vice versa. We're still friends to this day. I was prepared for a gaggle of adolescent boys to come running through my house as he got older. I was prepared for overnight guests and for him to be an overnight guest. I was prepared for pizza parties, Cub Scouts, and gaggles of little boys shrieking through my house.

When Kyle was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, I had to accept that a lot of things that I had assumed as a given when I was pregnant with him would not happen the way I thought. As the years have stretched on, I have run into things that I had thought he would do that he cannot or does not do, and I have had to accept, once again, that my vision of his life was not to be.

My house shrieks with the laughter and arguments of little boys, but they are all my little boys. Kyle is in Cub Scouts, because I put him in it, but he is happiest with independent projects.

Kyle has never brought a friend home. The only overnights he's had have been to family members houses or the babysitter's. His closest friends at school are his teachers and the administration staff, who all know him by name and greet him with smiles and high fives.

Part of me, the part that treasures the memories I made with my friends at slumber parties and afternoons spent in each other's homes, mourns for what I can see my son doesn't have. I ache for him to have those memories. I see my friends post photos and stories of their children and their children's friends. I see photos that proudly proclaim "Daughter's First Slumber Party!" and the like, and my heart aches for the experience he doesn't have, and yes, this part of motherhood I have not yet experienced, though I know I likely will with one of my other boys.

The other part of me, the part that knows my son so well, knows that he does not need to have those experiences to have a whole and happy childhood. My expectations do not meet with what my son needs. Kyle needs quiet. He loves building with his Legos on his own. He loves solitary science experiments, and nature walks, and explorations that maybe require Mom's company.

What I wanted and what I thought he would have are nearly the total opposite of what he wants.

In the end, it doesn't matter what I want for his life, or what I expected when I had him. What matters is that he is happy.

And he is.